I bought a book with workouts to become a stuntwoman.
“Chelsea, you’re going to be a teacher. Do you really need a workout that prepares you for a high-impact, potentially deadly career?”
Very much so. Yes.
So anyway, I bought this exercise book called “The Stuntwoman’s Workout” by Danielle Burgio and Jennifer Worick because it was a dollar at Dollar Tree and I want to be all Matrix-y and sexy in-shape. Evidently, Danielle Burgio is a famous stunt-double for, like, 30 movies that aren’t chick flicks, comedy, or Harry Potter … or, in other words, movies that I haven’t seen and possibly haven’t heard of ever. (There was one called … The Matrix … or something. Hmm. Sounds kinda indie. I doubt anyone’s even heard of it.)
I’m losing track of my brain again.
So Danielle is this beautiful woman who is probably an alien that possibly has no bones. She goes through these interesting work-outs that are supposed to turn you into a rubber band like her. And trust me, she’s a rubber band. The book shows these “This is how you do it!” pictures where Danielle (We’re on first-name basis now, yes.) is folded up and she has her leg wrapped around her head like a turban and her other leg is actually coming out of her arm socket and her face clearly says, “When is this going to get difficult? Hey, Chelsea – what’s wrong with your body that you cannot do this so effortlessly?” Oh, and her eyes are very smoky and smoldering and intense, like she’s burrowing into your soul and can see all of your short-comings.
I give up on trying to find this conversation.
Anyway, the exercises aren’t as terribly difficult as I, so cynically, like to complain about. Actually, they are very easy to understand and the pictures show a talented woman who is very capable for her successful career. I’m actually making quite a bit of head-way and I already feel better about my body. After working out, I subconsciously choose healthier foods and I don’t crave the junk food I have always loved to eat with wild abandon.
Okay. Now which paragraph did you like better?
Huh? Which one? The cynical and only partly true (okay … mainly untrue) paragraph or the one where I’m all, “Look at me! I’m being serious about how in-shape I’m getting while you’re sitting on your butt reading my blog!” Yeah. You like the cynical. Never complain about me being cynical again, or I’ll revert to being boring again.
“But, Chelsea, I didn’t say anything!” I can read your mind and I wish your reproaching thoughts would stop being so present.
Anyway, so I’m most likely not going to be a boneless alien or a stuntwoman unless the teaching field completely dries up and I never write a novel worth selling to my family or friends for pocket change. Then, I might become an alien.
I’m sorry if I offended any extra-terrestrials by insinuating that your life is not one of great difficulty. Pretending to not exist and dining with President Obama at Area 51, as I understand, is of great difficulty and importance. And to think we’ve all thought he was slacking off and vacationing all this time.
Anyway, this book sure promises a lot. I’ll post pictures once I can flip my legs behind my head like antennae and once I can twist my head around like in The Exorcist. Until then, you can assume I’m busy being a stuntwoman or eating cheesecake.