Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Advice From a Boneless Alien Rubber Band Woman


I bought a book with workouts to become a stuntwoman.

“Chelsea, you’re going to be a teacher. Do you really need a workout that prepares you for a high-impact, potentially deadly career?”

Very much so. Yes.

So anyway, I bought this exercise book called “The Stuntwoman’s Workout” by Danielle Burgio and Jennifer Worick because it was a dollar at Dollar Tree and I want to be all Matrix-y and sexy in-shape. Evidently, Danielle Burgio is a famous stunt-double for, like, 30 movies that aren’t chick flicks, comedy, or Harry Potter … or, in other words, movies that I haven’t seen and possibly haven’t heard of ever. (There was one called … The Matrix … or something. Hmm. Sounds kinda indie. I doubt anyone’s even heard of it.)

I’m losing track of my brain again.

So Danielle is this beautiful woman who is probably an alien that possibly has no bones. She goes through these interesting work-outs that are supposed to turn you into a rubber band like her. And trust me, she’s a rubber band. The book shows these “This is how you do it!” pictures where Danielle (We’re on first-name basis now, yes.) is folded up and she has her leg wrapped around her head like a turban and her other leg is actually coming out of her arm socket and her face clearly says, “When is this going to get difficult? Hey, Chelsea – what’s wrong with your body that you cannot do this so effortlessly?” Oh, and her eyes are very smoky and smoldering and intense, like she’s burrowing into your soul and can see all of your short-comings.

I give up on trying to find this conversation.

Anyway, the exercises aren’t as terribly difficult as I, so cynically, like to complain about. Actually, they are very easy to understand and the pictures show a talented woman who is very capable for her successful career. I’m actually making quite a bit of head-way and I already feel better about my body. After working out, I subconsciously choose healthier foods and I don’t crave the junk food I have always loved to eat with wild abandon.

Okay. Now which paragraph did you like better?

Huh? Which one? The cynical and only partly true (okay … mainly untrue) paragraph or the one where I’m all, “Look at me! I’m being serious about how in-shape I’m getting while you’re sitting on your butt reading my blog!” Yeah. You like the cynical. Never complain about me being cynical again, or I’ll revert to being boring again.

“But, Chelsea, I didn’t say anything!” I can read your mind and I wish your reproaching thoughts would stop being so present.

Anyway, so I’m most likely not going to be a boneless alien or a stuntwoman unless the teaching field completely dries up and I never write a novel worth selling to my family or friends for pocket change. Then, I might become an alien.

I’m sorry if I offended any extra-terrestrials by insinuating that your life is not one of great difficulty. Pretending to not exist and dining with President Obama at Area 51, as I understand, is of great difficulty and importance. And to think we’ve all thought he was slacking off and vacationing all this time.

Anyway, this book sure promises a lot. I’ll post pictures once I can flip my legs behind my head like antennae and once I can twist my head around like in The Exorcist. Until then, you can assume I’m busy being a stuntwoman or eating cheesecake.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

If This Were Any Crazier, I’d Probably Have a Reality Show


It has been three days since I decided to become organized.

I am still organized.

I’m about to call Ripley’s Believe it or Not!

Again, I do not believe any change has occurred until it can stand for two weeks. Then I get hope.

Right now, though, this is very odd. I normally don’t make 12 hours before everything looks like a blind, rabid raccoon got inside the house. 

I’ll keep you posted.

Legitly Legit


It’s, like, LEGIT raining outside.

I’m writing this post in my security-blanket composition notebook, reclined in the driver’s seat of my car in the school’s Jazz lot. My classes don’t start for another 15 minutes.

(I’m copying it here instead of doing my online finance class.)

Anyway, it’s legit raining outside. However, I passed this guy in his dirty and rusty white car (it totally had normal car potential – it was, like, 3 years old) and his window was down, letting in all this freaking rain inside the vehicle, because he was sucking at his cigarette like how the soldiers returning from WWI latched onto their ladies because they hadn’t seen them in, like, forever and two halves.

I’m like, “Dude. Seriously?”

Addictions are stupid.

People are stupid.

Online financing classes are STUPID.


Blah, blah, blah. Teacher cars. Rain. The light post is waggling back and forth, back and forth, in all this wind and it looks highly NOT safe. Rain. Pavement. Rain.

Yeah … I’m alive so that means my life is complicated. Like, legitly complicated.

Do people still say “legit”? I highly doubt it because I always catch onto new phrases right as they’re leaving mainstream and entered '”weird” … like “groovy”, “shenanigans”, “ralph” … they are perfectly useful words.

Anyway, I say “legit” because I think it makes you think I’m, like, really cool with piercings and stuff.

… I don’t have piercings. Well, my ears. But that’s like including your mother to the list of people you’ve kissed.

I don’t have piercings. I was raised Catholic and I’m terrified of Hell.

That means no piercings. (In a Craig Ferguson voice: “I look forward to your angry letters, emails, comments, and Facebook messages.)

I never did say why my life is complicated. You probably don’t care, though, because your life is impossibly complicated too. I bet you’re even stressed out too.

Am I psychic? Yes.

It’s 10:50. That means it is time for me to get out of the warmth and happiness of my car and go out in that. Freaking rain. I can feel my hair just bristling with excitement to turn into an afro right now.

You’re probably like, “Wow. 10:50. You suck.”

I love my schedule because several times a week, I get to sleep in until 7am … and then I have to do my online finance class so I don’t get behind. (Can you tell I adore that class?)

WELL, at exactly 6am, when I have to get up on my early days: BAM! BOOM! FIZZLE! CHHHHH!!!!!

God decided to wake me up with his cloud cymbals. It hasn’t stopped raining since and I haven’t slept since. Well played. So, yeah. You can laugh at me because I had to wake up with the normal fishies instead of being all warm, happy, and asleep. You’re satanic, just so you know. 

I think I’m going to willingly become a coffee addict. I realize that addictions are stupid, but I also accept the fact that I’m a huge hypocrite.

But you shouldn’t be. It’s bad. Hypocrites go to Hell and stuff.

See what I did there?

Annnnd it’s 10:53. I definitely need to get inside. I’ve been sitting her for 15 minutes and now I’m going to be late if I don’t get my booty moving.

Annnd I took the time to write that even though I’m running late.

And that. And this. And this. And thiiiiiiiiis.

Coffee addiction is GREAT.


Sunday, April 24, 2011

Conflicted Catharsis


Today was that special time of the month.


No, I’m not talking about my period. Today was that magical day that hits me unexpectedly about once a month. For a day, I think I can live an organized lifestyle.

Today, I organized several drawers, closets, and collections. All my school papers have their places in organized folders and my room looks like a magazine advertisement.

For one day out of every month, I get this weird feeling to clean and to organize my life so I, too, can live that perfect stress-free life people pretend exists.

During this non-Chelsea-like day, I actually believe that I will continue to put everything back in its new home behind bright white labels and in clearly distinguishable stacks. Tomorrow, I’ll laugh manically as I put that English folder right in the middle of my sheet music. Heck, I may even put Sousa in with my college work just to screw around with my sanity.

See, it’s really hard to accomplish anything of note when you have an evil side that likes to watch the good side start sputtering in frustration. I call it conflicted catharsis. Actually, I don’t call it that, but I think I may start.

Anywho, I’m going to use this newfound responsible energy for something more productive than blogging.

Who knows, maybe this time the organizational bug will stay awhile. Doubtful.

(Friday, April 22, 2011)

Sunday, April 17, 2011

18th Birthday


Today’s my 18th birthday. I figured it would be weird if I didn’t write on such a pivotal day in my development.

That is all.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Lost in the Paperwork


Broken Wing






Do you remember, as a child, tucking your knees up to your chest and spinning as fast as you could in a desk chair? I sure remember – my mother yelled at me every time I did. Well, once that chair stopped – either because it slowed to a halt or because an angry mother grabbed the arm rail –your brain probably felt like it was going to slush right out your ear.

That is how I have felt lately. For my faithful readers, you know that I’ve struggled with inferiority and isolation in my classes and that I’ve been so busy all of a sudden I feel like my week is a continuous day chopped into segments by deadlines. I’ve cut off communication with friends and family, and I’ve completely crumbled inward to robotically complete all I needed to complete. 

Somewhere under the debris of papers, I lost God. I lost sight of the only thing that is truly important in my life. I have never rejected God; however, the slightest pick-up of craziness in my life and I accidently put Him in the “Later” pile.

A series of conversations led me to realize how far I had turned from God. That led me to pick up my phone. I faltered over the “call” button; I didn’t want to be a pest and I didn’t want to ask for help. But, I was home alone and I really needed to talk, so I pressed “call”. Couldn’t have made a better decision.

As I called long-distance, I needed to talk on my cell. Therefore, I had to be outside to get service. That led to a walk to the backyard and to the garden steps that I have always written, prayed, and dreamt on.

I opened up the communication lines with a human again. I let myself cry a bit and I said just about everything that I had hidden from people. I shared that I was uncomfortable, that my “power through it with a smile” approach was faltering. Admitting ended up feeling better than hiding.

After a great conversation about faith, I felt I needed to do one more thing: I had to go into the woods, in solitude, to pray. I always feel so much closer to God when I’m alone in the woods, so I locked up the house, threw my lanyard around my neck, and headed off into the backyard. 

I talked to Him as I walked down the wooded path to the deepest heart of the woods, a couple acres in. Eventually, I stopped walking. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes to say, “I’m sorry.” Instead, I dropped to my knees and sobbed into the ground, completely overwrought. For the first time in a long time, it felt like I meant that apology. I begged for guidance, for wisdom to see the lessons He taught during this time. But most of all, I begged for Him to come back, for Him to come back into my crazy life and make Himself at home.

I don’t believe in asking for signs. I believe we live in a world full of astounding testaments to God’s presence and love and that asking for a “more obvious” or “better” sign is arrogant. However, I’ve been so lost and so uncaring, I felt that I needed a sign at that moment to know that He was with me. I didn’t expect one. However, a butterfly (the first butterfly I’ve seen this season) came up and fluttered directly in my face out of nowhere. Then, it flew a bit ahead of me and landed on some fallen pine needles. I walked toward it and it flew away. Then, it circled around and fluttered in my face again, this time flying toward a tree. On the tree was another butterfly, stretching out its wings. The butterfly that had flown into my face flew up next to the perched one and the two flew off together. I started crying again, this time with a huge smile and a couple dorky chuckles.

When I walked back inside, I blessed myself with the Holy Water I keep in my room and I turned on my laptop to resume work on some scholarship essays … annnnnnd check Facebook. I had a notification that Fusion, our after-school Bible Study, will meet tomorrow afternoon. I couldn’t have felt any happier. I contacted Allie and confessed that I was struggling and that I needed that Fusion meeting. I can now look forward to a group hug from the Fusion group, with Jesus invited in on the huggin’!

I thought this week was going to be the worst lately with all the deadlines and paperwork; turns out, it is the most pivotal and beautiful. Why I ever pushed away true Happiness in my time of stress, well, only God knows.



Friday, April 8, 2011

Full Steam Ahea --- wait.


I woke up this morning. That’s a GREAT start.

I woke up this morning (no allusions to either Shania Twain OR Ke$ha so far ….) already thinking of a hundred things at once.

Primarily, what the HECK was I thinking when I decided to switch my major??

I was set in the English Department; I had a PLAN. I would take five years to earn my BA in English and to complete my education courses for my certificate. I had already lined up all my classes and I was excited to learn about the major poets and thinkers, the devices of advanced prose, and the semester I planned to take abroad as I studied Brit Lit at Oxford. I had already gotten the “ins” with the professor that would help me polish my writing and help me publish. It was all in the cards that I would write my first novel meant for publication during my Junior year and then I would complete it all up, maybe work through a second, and begin my authoring career just after college graduation.

Then, I had the nerve to switch my major.

I’ve done an incredible amount of independent research in the English field over my lifetime, and I planned to take the classes to elaborate on what I already knew and to hone my craft. However, this is not same process for music. Where I know quite a bit about about music and I’m a skilled musician, I am below amateur. Music has always been a very strong passion and a great release for me, but the depth of the field is so diverse and expansive.

So, there I sat on the stairs, wondering what I signed myself up for, realizing that this is a huge decision. I mean, of course I could always try it and switch again if I do not succeed, but I’m an “all my ducks in a row” type of person. It was easy to switch this time because I’m only taking GenEds, or classes that I will need to graduate, regardless of my major, and it didn’t mean wasting time and money in classes I would not need.

Anyway, I realized on that stairway what the main difference was: I had studied English extensively and I had not done the same for music. Therefore, if I want to feel as comfortable with music knowledge as I do with English knowledge, I have to take the same path! Today, I started researching concepts and composers I know about to find the deeper information and explanations for each. This seems to be the logical path to comfort in my higher education courses over this stuff!

I can’t just tiptoe around to see if I will be able to survive in a harder course-load. I need to just dive in without restraint and work to my limit to make this reality.

Why? Because, DANG IT, I want to be a band director!