Lost in the Paperwork

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you remember, as a child, tucking your knees up to your chest and spinning as fast as you could in a desk chair? I sure remember – my mother yelled at me every time I did. Well, once that chair stopped – either because it slowed to a halt or because an angry mother grabbed the arm rail –your brain probably felt like it was going to slush right out your ear.

That is how I have felt lately. For my faithful readers, you know that I’ve struggled with inferiority and isolation in my classes and that I’ve been so busy all of a sudden I feel like my week is a continuous day chopped into segments by deadlines. I’ve cut off communication with friends and family, and I’ve completely crumbled inward to robotically complete all I needed to complete. 

Somewhere under the debris of papers, I lost God. I lost sight of the only thing that is truly important in my life. I have never rejected God; however, the slightest pick-up of craziness in my life and I accidently put Him in the “Later” pile.

A series of conversations led me to realize how far I had turned from God. That led me to pick up my phone. I faltered over the “call” button; I didn’t want to be a pest and I didn’t want to ask for help. But, I was home alone and I really needed to talk, so I pressed “call”. Couldn’t have made a better decision.

As I called long-distance, I needed to talk on my cell. Therefore, I had to be outside to get service. That led to a walk to the backyard and to the garden steps that I have always written, prayed, and dreamt on.

I opened up the communication lines with a human again. I let myself cry a bit and I said just about everything that I had hidden from people. I shared that I was uncomfortable, that my “power through it with a smile” approach was faltering. Admitting ended up feeling better than hiding.

After a great conversation about faith, I felt I needed to do one more thing: I had to go into the woods, in solitude, to pray. I always feel so much closer to God when I’m alone in the woods, so I locked up the house, threw my lanyard around my neck, and headed off into the backyard. 

I talked to Him as I walked down the wooded path to the deepest heart of the woods, a couple acres in. Eventually, I stopped walking. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes to say, “I’m sorry.” Instead, I dropped to my knees and sobbed into the ground, completely overwrought. For the first time in a long time, it felt like I meant that apology. I begged for guidance, for wisdom to see the lessons He taught during this time. But most of all, I begged for Him to come back, for Him to come back into my crazy life and make Himself at home.

I don’t believe in asking for signs. I believe we live in a world full of astounding testaments to God’s presence and love and that asking for a “more obvious” or “better” sign is arrogant. However, I’ve been so lost and so uncaring, I felt that I needed a sign at that moment to know that He was with me. I didn’t expect one. However, a butterfly (the first butterfly I’ve seen this season) came up and fluttered directly in my face out of nowhere. Then, it flew a bit ahead of me and landed on some fallen pine needles. I walked toward it and it flew away. Then, it circled around and fluttered in my face again, this time flying toward a tree. On the tree was another butterfly, stretching out its wings. The butterfly that had flown into my face flew up next to the perched one and the two flew off together. I started crying again, this time with a huge smile and a couple dorky chuckles.

When I walked back inside, I blessed myself with the Holy Water I keep in my room and I turned on my laptop to resume work on some scholarship essays … annnnnnd check Facebook. I had a notification that Fusion, our after-school Bible Study, will meet tomorrow afternoon. I couldn’t have felt any happier. I contacted Allie and confessed that I was struggling and that I needed that Fusion meeting. I can now look forward to a group hug from the Fusion group, with Jesus invited in on the huggin’!

I thought this week was going to be the worst lately with all the deadlines and paperwork; turns out, it is the most pivotal and beautiful. Why I ever pushed away true Happiness in my time of stress, well, only God knows.